A Testimony of God’s Grace Through Miscarriage
Last week in the article “God Is With You”, I said that I went through something that tore me up. I said the wound was still fresh; thus, I would talk about it in the near or distant future. I was leaning more towards the distant, but God chose the former.
I regularly watch Dr. Orpheus Heyward, the reigning minister of Renaissance Church of Christ, for weekly encouragement. I logged on YouTube today, 5/10/2021, and this week’s message was “Come Touch My Wounds: Ministering Through the Scars”. The referenced scripture was John 20:19-28. I advise you to watch it or any sermon from him for that matter. He is absolutely a called and ordained man of God.
I think from the title you can see why I am writing about the wound that I opted to not write about last week. Even now I am wondering how I can put into words the pain and the grace that I experienced. I guess the only way to do that is to open my heart and allow it to drip onto these pages. So… here goes.
Two weeks ago, I miscarried.
The vulnerability of writing that statement alone is taking my breath away. My eyes are watering and my heart is breaking. Please forgive me if this article is unorthodox. I don’t want to edit it too much. I want the writing to be as real as the feelings I felt…
Before I miscarried, my doctor advised that he suspected I was miscarrying. My hCG levels weren’t doubling every 48-72 hours as they should have. This along with other symptoms led to the doctor’s prognosis. Yet, I remained hopeful that my sweet baby would live.
So, I prayed. On 4/15/2021 before I went to sleep, I prayed quietly in my bed with the Bible App opened on my cellphone. With my spouse laying right next to me, unaware of the tears that flowed from my eyes, I prayed. I said,
“God, please tell me if my baby is going to live. Please confirm it for me in your Word before I sleep tonight. I need to know, Lord. Please tell me.”
I was reading Isaiah 49, KJV but switched over to the NIV to get a better understanding. I read the entire chapter, but there were two verses that I clung to for dear life. These are the verses:
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
(Isaiah 49:15, NIV)
Lift up your eyes and look around;
all your children gather and come to you.
As surely as I live,” declares the LORD,
“you will wear them all as ornaments;
you will put them on, like a bride.
(Isaiah 49:18, NIV)
I went to bed with more tears in my eyes. But these were tears of joy. I was so elated. So ecstatic that God was going to spare my baby. Overjoyed isn’t the word! I was beyond myself in glee.
But on the very next day, my hCG numbers still weren’t adding up. I remember listening to the radio after I had my blood drawn yet again… they must’ve stuck my in my arm 6-7 times from April - May…
I remember listening to the radio after this one particular appointment. I was listening to Hallelujah 104.3 FM radio with Sherri Mackey and Dre Money. This had to be around 8:30 a.m. – 9:30 a.m. I am normally at work during this time and would have never caught the “Word of the Day” from them. But on this day, I caught it. So, I knew it was for me.
Sherri Mackey’s Word of the Day on 4/16/2021 was from Matthew 5:3, Messenger Bible. (By the way, I am able to give specific dates, times, scripture, etc. because I journal heavily – specifically anything having to do with God).
Anyway, so the Word of the Day was “You are blessed if you are at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God and His rule.” Ms. Sherri Mackey went on to say that it may not look good, but in the end it’ll all work out.
I instinctively knew it was related to my pregnancy. I knew when the nurse called, she would say that my numbers were still bad. And they were.
But I had hope! Because of what I read in Isaiah 49 the night before… I had hope. I didn’t give a flying… well, I just didn’t care what the doctor said because from what I had interpreted in God's Word said differently.
But I miscarried …
And I just didn’t know how to feel because of all the feelings I was feeling. That's not, a beautiful sentence, I know. But that's how I felt. Please excuse me if this is too vulgar … skip ahead to the next paragraph if need be… but when I saw the the first signs of my worst fear, the evidence of a miscarriage in the bathroom stalls at work, I crumbled.
I cried a silent cry, gasping for air at what I was seeing. The mask on my face sharply went in and out as I inhaled and exhaled harshly… attempting to breathe. The tears flowed. I started praying to God to not let it be so. I started questioning God on how it could be so. I silently cried out to God in my agony,
“Lord, you said in Your Word that You would not forget my child! You said I would wear them as an ornament!”
But as I said the words, I began to calm down. I still had faith that somehow my child would be okay. Because God is not a man that He should lie. So, I pulled myself together in that bathroom stall. I dried my tears, wiped my nose, handled my hygienic responsibilities, and walked out the stall with a shred of hope still intact.
On 4/23/2021, I had another appointment. I waited impatiently in the room for the doctor’s report. As I waited, I prayed. I prayed for a good report. I was tired of the doctor telling me something different from what I knew at the time to be opposite of God’s report. I just wanted God’s report and man’s report to finally match.
After a few prayers, I looked up and the number 304 was on a sign right in front of my face. DISCLAIMER: I in no way shape, form, or fashion practice or dabble in numerology. I have been down the road of seeing 11:11, 444, 333, 222 etc. everywhere I turned. I now know that it was a trick of Satan to lead me to research the meaning of double and triple digits, which pointed straight towards numerology and away from the Word of God.
After finding no real correlation to those numbers and the Bible (despite whatever Google has to say about “Angel Numbers”), God revealed to me that it was a trick of the enemy to confuse me. So, please believe me, I know better than to fall into numerology. But I undoubtedly felt as if I should Google Proverbs 304, that is Proverbs 30:4. So, I did, and this is what it read:
Who has gone up to heaven and come down?
Whose hands have gathered up the wind?
Who has wrapped up the waters in a cloak?
Who has established all the ends of the earth?
What is his name, and what is the name of his son?
Surely you know!
Right after I read “Surely you know!”, the doctor walked in. I steadied myself for his report… and it was the worst report I ever received in my life.
He confirmed the miscarriage.
I just stared at him at first as he rambled on about miscarriages being common and how it would not affect my chances of a viable pregnancy should I get pregnant again. But I couldn’t comprehend how he could be talking about a future pregnancy when I was still in that one. I didn’t cry at first because it just didn’t make sense.
“He’s wrong.” I thought. “Maybe he’s right according to his knowledge, but he’s wrong according to mine.” I said to myself.
But my thoughts eventually gave way to tears as the reality of what he said hit me. He gently patted my knee and back while offering a tissue to console me. He apologized that I had no one there with me for emotional support. Neither I nor my husband thought that he should tag along since neither of us expected such harsh news… we were both so optimistic.
As I headed to the front-desk for check out, I could barely see anything from the tears blinding me. But I did see a sign on the wall right next to the clerk that read “Allow your faith to be bigger than your fears.” In the midst of my heartbreak, I was still listening for God. Hanging on to anything He may say to me.
I got in my car and allowed the flood gates of tears to pour out. It was a deep, soul crushing cry. Then, I called my husband to break the news. But he was still optimistic. He argued that the hCG numbers did not drop, so there was still hope. He said that as long as the numbers were rising, no matter how slowly they rose, we had hope. He then came to meet me.
We sat in the car and briefly discussed how he had just watched a TD Jakes sermon entitled “Knowing in the Noise.” I found that so divine considering God had just showed me “Surely you know” in His Word. I concluded that we had to remain hopeful. We had to know that God would protect our baby. We had to know that God would see us through.
Two days later, Sunday 4/25/2021, I hopped on YouTube to watch Dr. Orpheus Heyward’s Sunday sermon. By the way guys, this goes without saying but this is a relatively long article. But hang in there, there’s purpose in the length of this article, just as there is purpose in my pain, and purpose in you reading this.
So, his sermon was entitled “Unleashing the Power of God: The Theology of If Not”. The scripture was from Daniel 3:18. He referred to the type of faith that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego possessed. Before they were thrown into the furnace for not bowing down to a golden image, King Nebuchadnezzar asked them if they would comply.
Their response was that if the king threw them in the furnace, God would deliver them… but if not, they still would not bow to the image. The point Dr. Heyward was making was that we have to get to a point where we believe God, where we trust in God, even if He doesn’t do what we trust in Him to do. He proclaimed that this sort of faith is a “different kind of faith” because most people only serve and trust God because we believe He will do what we want Him to do… but what happens to our faith when He doesn’t?
Okay, so not even one hour later… I see YouTuber Joy Blair, a fiery woman of God, post a video on YouTube. I watched the video and guess what? She pulls from Daniel 3 too. By the way, there was no indication from her title that she was going to pull from Daniel 3. Her title was “Fasting: What to Do When You Lose Your Vision & Passion For Your Dreams”… so it was absolutely divine that she quoted the same scripture.
So, at this point, my ears perked up. I knew God was trying to tell me something. But in my mind, it couldn’t have been related to my pregnancy because I thought God had already promised me my baby would be fine.
But three days later, I miscarried.
A sea of emotions flowed through me when the miscarriage was final. But the primary emotions were sadness and confusion. I went on a rant to my husband. I also expressed my emotions to my mother. I understood the “If Not” sermons were in preparation for the bad news. I understood that I overlooked God sending two ministers to me, back to back, to prepare me. I understood that they were sent to brace me for the trouble that was on the horizon.
I understood the Proverbs 30:4 scripture because I still had to “know” who God was despite the miscarriage. I still had to trust Him in my “if not” season. I even understood the Isaiah 49:15 verse about God not forgetting my child. He didn’t forget my child; He simply took my child with Him. My baby is in the same place that I am trying to go one day.
My child will never have to suffer the heartaches and headaches of this world. My sweet baby skipped right ahead into the bosom of God. Okay, cool. I understood that. But what kept nagging at me was Isaiah 49:18.
Lift up your eyes and look around;
all your children gather and come to you.
As surely as I live,” declares the LORD,
“you will wear them all as ornaments;
you will put them on, like a bride.
(Isaiah 49:18, NIV)
“How can I wear my child as an ornament if I can’t even touch them?”, I cried to my husband. “Why would God allow me to read that if He knew that’s how I would interpret it?” I sobbed to my mother.
Then came in the doubt. Not doubt in God but doubt in myself. I knew God was a God that could not lie. So, apparently God never told me my child would live. That was just how I interpreted the scripture. Although if I were to be honest, I questioned why God would allow me to read Isaiah 49:18 in the first place if He knew that’s how I would interpret it.
I began to question my ability to hear God correctly. I began to question if I was really His sheep. For John 10:27 states “my sheep know my voice”. So, I wondered how could I call myself His sheep if I couldn’t hear His voice correctly?
I wanted to stop ministering through writing… at least temporarily until I could hear God correctly. I never want to mislead anyone. I never want to say something contrary to the Word of God. And if I believed God said the opposite of what He actually said, who was I to tell anybody anything about God or His Word? I felt as if I just needed to sit down somewhere. I needed to know my place.
I expressed my thoughts to my husband who told me that was a trick of Satan. He said that’s what Satan wants you to do. He said Satan wants you to stop talking about God. He reassured me that he knew I could hear God clearly because of the previous articles I’ve written. He said he saw the change in me over the past year and knew it was because I could hear God correctly.
He also said that confusion is unnatural. Per 1 Corinthian 14:33, God is not the author of confusion. So, if confusion is not of God, it must be of Satan. In my heart of hearts, I knew the confusion was from Satan. I knew the urge to postpone writing would make Satan happy. But I just couldn’t get over the Isaiah 49:18 scripture.
So, my husband told me to go back to the scripture. He pulled it up on his phone and said,
“I read it… and God said that we would lose our child.”
I froze for a second. "What on earth is my husband talking about?" I thought. “God told me I would wear my child as an ornament...like a bride wears jewelry”, I countered, my emotions once again stirring in me. “Yes, but that’s after we lost this one”, he says. I take the phone from him and read. I read it over and over again. It said:
The children which thou shalt have, after thou hast lost the other, shall say again in thine ears, The place is too strait for me: give place to me that I may dwell.
(Isaiah 49:20, KJV)
After thou hast lost the other…
There I sat. Just as plain as day. In black and white. “After you have lost the other”. How could I have missed that? God told me ever so clearly… but I missed it. I missed it because it’s not what I wanted to hear.
No one wants to hear that they will lose their child. No one.
But God told me through Isaiah 49 that I would lose my child. He told me through two ministers in the same day that I would lose my child. He told me through Sherry Mackay on the radio station. He told me to still "know" who He was after the news was broken to me. He told me to allow my faith to be bigger than my fears... the fear that I couldn't hear Him right. The fear that I wasn't truly His sheep.
He even tried to tell me through a dream (two actually but I’ll discuss just one) I dreamt of Ezekiel 37 before my miscarriage. I saw an opened Bible turned to Ezekiel 37, Ezekiel 37:13 to be exact and it read:
And ye shall know that I am the LORD, when I have opened your graves, O my people, and brought you up out of your graves,
I woke up, logged into my Bible app, searched the scripture, read the scripture, highlighted the scripture, and ignored the scripture. I wanted no parts of it because I had no intentions of being buried. Yes, I understood that God said He would get me out of the grave. But I didn’t want to go in there in the first place… so I ignored the dream.
Isn’t it funny how I ignored it because it didn’t make me feel good? If the scripture had said it was going to multiply me a hundred fold, I would have written it in my journal. If God would have showed me He was going to bless me exceedingly abundantly above all I could ask or think, I wouldn’t have ignored it. I know this because every time God has said something good to me, I wrote it down with the quickness! … But Ezekiel 37:13… nope. That scripture is nowhere in my journal.
But He said He would pull me out of my grave. When the reality of losing my child hit me, it hit me hard. It buried me. I finally understood what depression was. I thought I knew what it was before, but I didn’t. As I brushed my teeth one night for bed, I realized that I didn’t want to wake up with the same heaviness I was going to bed with.
I wasn’t suicidal. I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t want to feel those heavy feelings anymore. It finally made sense why some people think dying is better than living. Because sometimes the pain is unbearable. Sometimes you just don’t want to keep living in a state of depression.
But my Lord! Recall the title of this article is “Broken, Buried, But…” Oh yes! There’s a but. If you just hang in there, there’s a but. If you just keep pressing, there’s a but. If you just keep praying, there’s a but. If you just keep ministering, there’s a but.
And here’s my testimony. I declare unto you, right hand to God, I woke up the next day with those emotions gone. I am not exaggerating. That heaviness was gone. I remember walking to Subway for lunch thinking of how unnatural my peace was. The peace that I had made absolutely no sense. The strength that I was walking in was and still is beyond me.
I couldn’t understand it. I don't understand it. How could I have jumped from being so low to being so at peace? As I walked down the street, I felt almost chipper. “What in the world is wrong with me?” I thought. “Am I delusional?” I pondered. "Hormones may be getting to me", I thought.
But glory be to God, I remembered what God promised in His Word.
Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:6-7, KJV)
That’s it. That’s it. That. Is. It! My peace surpasses understanding because Christ is keeping my heart and mind. I prayed, and now my peace transcends logic. It doesn’t make an ounce of sense of how much peace I have… But I have it. And it’s all because of God.
Don’t get me wrong. Tears glazed over my eyes as I began to type out this article. I didn’t want to write it because the wound is still very fresh. I am not denying the fact that I have a wound. But I am cosigning the fact that God can give you peace with your wounds.
As Dr. Heyward suggested, come touch my wound. See that it is real. See that I am real. I am a real person with real problems, yet, God has granted me peace. I can’t be upset with God because He was with me the entire time. He tried to prepare me for the harsh blow the entire time.
He knew that I would be hurt. He knew that I would be confused. But He also knew that I would get through it. He knew that I would watch Dr. Heyward this morning, and He knew that it would lead me to telling my story.
It was so incredibly hard to get up and pray to God after that miscarriage - especially since it had not yet been revealed to me that God had in fact told me I would lose my child. I didn't know what to pray. I felt betrayed by God. I almost didn't want to pray at all. But I said to Him,
"Lord, who else can I turn to? For no other help I know. Lord, though you slay me, yet will I trust You!"
There were times when all I could do was say the Lord's prayer. Other times all I could do was cry and ask God to have mercy on me. Yet here I stand... or rather here I sit, typing to you today. I am okay, I am here. In the video "Knowing in The Noise" that my husband sent to me for encouragement after the miscarriage, TD Jakes said, "You can walk and weep, you can cry and crawl, you can be in pain and still keep your pace". In the midst of it all, you can keep going. But it won't be in your strength, it'll be in God's grace.
So, there it is. There’s my heart and the fresh wound that it possesses. Glean from this article as you may. But if you don’t remember anything else, just remember that I was broken, I was buried, but... I have a testimony. To God be the honor, to God be the praise, and to God be the glory. This has been a testimony of God’s grace through my miscarriage. I pray that the same grace that was bestowed upon me in my pain, will be bestowed upon you in yours.
Have a grandeur day, and an even grander week!